Category Archives: Old Mom

Why?

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When I first had brain surgery, my family and friends were incredibly supportive, until I started getting better and it was becoming obvious that I was disabled.

Most of my family has been behind me through everything. Others have had trouble dealing with the “New Me”.  I had trouble dealing with it for a while. I think I cried for 2 years at some part after the surgery.

Slowly, one by one “so-called friends” quit calling. My family changed slower. Mom, God bless her, still looks at me today as if it will be the last time she ever sees me. We have had a few rough moments, but she is still hanging in there with me.

Another relative has chosen to act like I don’t exist. I wish I could figure out how to settle this with them, but nothing seems to work. They claim there attitude toward me has not changed, when it so obviously has.

They do not call like they used too, when I call they act annoyed and are extremely short on the phone, When we are around each other, they are snappy and act annoyed when they cannot understand my voice, something I cannot help.

I am just at a loss. Everyone else is absolutely wonderful, and to my knowledge, other than have brain surgery, I’ve done nothing.

I know I am not the one with the problem and I pray for them regularly. Am I asking for the right things when I pray? Am I praying correctly? Should I approach this person and talk it out or pray with them?

What is it that makes people do this? I’m still me. The old me is in this body screaming to get out. I hate the way I am. But I can’t do anything about it. I just do not know.

To my family that has been fabulous, THANK YOU! I love all of you, dearly! Even the one having trouble. We are family. To my husband, my love, my soul-mate, DOUBLE THANK YOU WITH KISSES ON TOP! I would not be here if it weren’t for you!!!!!!

Rewind

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How do you summarize such a year in one little post. This has been a year packed full of adventure and heart ache, but a year stacked and packed full of wonderful memories.

If I ramble, please forgive me. I have a lot to say, and not sure where to start, I believe I’ll take it one month at a time. Just to see how it turns out.

December 29, 2011 Barry was determined he could drive. I had an appointment in Lawrenceville that could not be rescheduled, but I would be unable to drive home. So, we turned down offers from people to drive us over and I got in the car with Barry behind the wheel. He had to see for himself that he still had a little healing to do.

Biggest mistake of my life. First time I have ever wanted to kiss the ground when getting out of the car. Once I checked in, I called to ask my sister for help getting home. After a lecture on being stupid, she came to our rescue. I would have driven home doped up, before letting the love of my life drive again.

January: was our transition month and I was thrilled to have him home. Barry was discharged from the rehab center on December 28, 2011. We were adjusting and adapting our lives to accommodate his needs around the house.

Along with this we were in the process of tri-weekly outpatient rehab at a local center. It was nice to find a good center close to home, since I was doing the driving. I do better at short distances.

Coordinating outpatient rehab and follow-up appointments was quite a task. I believe Barry and I are ending this year more organized than we ever have been.

Spending so much time together, Barry and I started getting reacquainted and honestly getting to know each other better than we did before his stroke. He is more open and relaxed since the stroke, he has also lost his filter. I never know what to expect out of his mouth when he opens it. It is really refreshing at times and always good for a laugh.

One of our nephews did not understand that Uncle Barry was sick, even though he looked the same. Barry had a little talk with him and let him know that their wrestling sessions had to be over for a while. He is such a smart little guy and watching him grow into such a sweet little young man is a pleasure. This nephew is Barry’s first nephew from day one.

His brother went everywhere with Barry and I when we were dating. Everyone thought he was our child. It was wonderful!

Since I was unable to have children, watching my sisters kids grow-up and being part of their lives has been a joy. They will never understand what that has meant to me.

February: lead into more rehab and more appointments. For a while, rehab and doctor’s appointments were the only thing on our social calendar.

This was an extremely hard month, we had to make the horrible decision to close our business. To date, I don’t know if it was harder to tell the residents or their families. Some of the residents took it hard, one got mad and lashed out, but apologized later. The others said they understood, but were not happy. The state people attempted to encourage us to stay open if at all possible.

It was not in the cards. Barry and I just could not do it alone anymore and we could not afford to pay good help to run the business. It honestly felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Now I could focus on Barry and I, instead of the two of us plus the residents. I had forgotten what it felt like to relax.

March: lead into the permanent close of RoseWillow Cottage. With the last resident settled in a new home, we officially locked our doors for the first time and attempted to figure out how to live in the rest of our house.

We had the pleasure of watching my baby sister receive her degree at graduation. I was so proud, she worked so hard. Although the economy is not helping her find an open position. Hopefully, she’ll find something with the new school year. She is a middle school math teacher. 

Barry’s rehab had been decreased to twice weekly, with hopes to soon be discharged. He was progressing marvelously. No one could believe he had been through the massive ordeal he had. God truly had a hand in his recovery. It is the only way to explain it.

April: Lead into Barry’s discharge from rehab and I took over as drill sergeant making him exercise and do his memory drills. He has been in management for 20 some odd years and does not like being told what to do. Trust me!

I got my nice, new purple wheelchair that is easier to handle than the old one. That thing weighed a ton!

In April, God led Barry and I to our church home, Victory Baptist Church. We felt at home the minute we walked through the door.  A friend of ours has been inviting us for years, but we always used the business as an excuse.

A few of our residents wanted to attend church when they first moved in, but as their condition worsened, they started refusing to go.

Barry and I also celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary quietly at home. After the stroke, Barry had difficulty with crowds for a while. We slowly got out in public to give him time to adapt.

May/June: these months found our schedules calming down for a bit. Barry had a birthday in June, he was really anxious, but survived without a hitch. In June, my mother asked if she could move back in.

She did not feel safe where she was, so she was packing her bags coming back to our house. Of course, we could not tell her no. Barry and I agreed, we couldn’t have her in her current living situation. We discussed a date and got ready for mom to be in the house again. We sat mom and my sisters down and laid out a few ground rules. Needless to say, they did not last long.

July: Mom moved in and a new iron was added to the flame of confusion. We had a few trying moments, but I learned to lock the door and keep mom on her side of the house. Best money we ever spent, the lock on our side of the laundry room. We even have a do not disturb sign on her side of the door. It is working great, at least for now.

August: started off great, then about midway into the month, I fell backwards down the steps in our garage. Stitches in my left elbow and a mild concussion.

I hate hospitals when I’m the patient. I did not realize how the hospital ER would affect my sweety, but the combo of me being injured and being in the hospital had him on the edge of panic. As usual, the hospital was slow as Christmas! I was so relieved to get him out of there, 5 hours later.

It takes me forever to recover from falls. Here it is 4 months later and my left elbow still gives me fits. The rest of August and into September, Barry and I didn’t do much traveling. Barry was adapting well and adjusting to the new him.

September: my energy level stayed in the toilet for most of the month. I was tickled to figure out the problem was not only the fall. They discovered I had an infection in my colon. This of course lead us back to the doctor with with their favorite words, tests, and you need to see another doctor.

At the same time, my neurologist decided he wasn’t sure what else to do for me and referred me to a neuro-oncologist, with experience in my brain tumor.

The new doctor added Cowden’s Syndrome to my collection of diagnoses and ordered more tests. The tests turned out to be good. They lead us into figuring out a few of the difficulties I was experiencing. I was tickled they found no cancer. But I was off to more doctors to treat what he did find.

October/November: both months were kinda packed with doctors visits, procedures, and more doctor’s visits. We were settling in at church really well. Enjoying getting to know everyone. I grew up going to church, but in the six months at Victory; I learned more about the bible than I ever have. After being picked on for weeks, I survived another birthday in November.

December is here and we are still holding on. Barry is getting stronger by the week. He has decided to retire. I’m getting used to the idea of him being home all the time. We spent the first few weeks of the month catching up on the things, we missed out on last year. December 11th came and went without us even realizing it was here.

I’m sitting here, next to the love of my life, as I type this. I am overcome by joy that we have had this time together and look forward to the many, many more adventures in store for us. I almost lost him last year and l don’t want to think about where I’d be today if that had happened.

We are living one day at a time and loving every minute!

Cookie Factory Closed for the night……

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This afternoon, after our infamous shopping trip, Barry and I opened our Holiday candy/cookie factory.

Today’s focus was cookies for Barry’s office party tomorrow. We made 8 dozen sugar cookies, put them on cooling trays and when they were ready, dipped them in chocolate and peanut butter dip, laid everything out on wax paper to cool and waited. When everything was cool enough, we put them in gift bags and closed shop for the night, This only took 5 hours. 

Before the 27th, we have more cookies to bake and cherries to dip in chocolate. I used to soak the cherries in spiced rum before dipping them, but pop doesn’t need the rum anymore. We might peanuts clusters this year, but maybe not. We are both tired and do not need to push ourselves too far.

Our great-niece has made a request for two different types of cookies. We have combined the chocolate and peanut butter to make C-cookies. Named after our sweet little great-niece. She wanted M&M cookies and then changed it to peanut-butter cookies. Is it not the cutest thing to have a child ask for cookies for Christmas? She is absolutely adorable.

Her little brother will probably be as sweet as her. He’s still the little bitty guy in the family for now, but Aunt Jill and Uncle Barry got him the coolest present. It’s loud and noisy. I can’t wait to see his sweet little face.

Good night everyone, the Cookie Shop is closed and baker number 2 is about join baker number one in sleep town! Sweet Dreams!

A Day of Reflection

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Today has been busy, but when I got to where I could relax, I did a lot of thinking. It isn’t often that I have myself, much less make time for reflection. 

Mom and I spent the afternoon at the ladies Christmas party at church. I participated in the While Elephant Game for the first time ever. That is actually incredibly amusing. We had the best time, but I have to admit I’m feeling a little guilty. The Pastor’s wife stole my first gift from me, so when I had an opportunity, I took it back. It was so pretty…….

For a physically disabled woman, I have a lot on my plate. Together Barry and I deal with way to many issues for any sane human being, much less two people with our health issues. Barry is still recovery from a stroke and has not been declared stable yet. I, of course, continue to deal with the remnants of a brain tumor, the complications which developed from the partial removal of my gangliocytoma and the further/future effects, that the genetic disease, I have to deal with as they come up over the rest of my life.

I ask doctors about my life expectancy, and no one can answer my question. With the possible serious health problems, that can arise, from Cowden’s Disease my life is literally in God’s hands. I always said I enjoyed holding positions that made every day different. It kept the job interesting. I never dreamed my job philosophy would role over into my life. 

My experience as a nurse has definitely made managing my aging mother’s care, helping my husband cope with his health issues and with my health issues. Coping is a huge part of dealing and accepting a serious illness.  

I wouldn’t call my coping skills good, but they have gotten me this far, of course that is with a little pharmacological assistance from my multitude of physicians. I dealt with my emotions, illnesses and life in general, after brain surgery before needing help. Ironically enough, it was the new Chipmunks movie that was my undoing. While at the theater with my sister and nephews, I started blubbering at a sweet moment involving Theodore, and couldn’t stop crying. I continue to avoid extremely mushy moments or overly gross moments on television or at the movies. I’ll be a crying mess for hours.

I try to stay busy. Barry and I have found a church home that we enjoy. We stay busy there, with whatever they will let us do. I try to stay active. When I left rehab, they told me to keep moving. That one statement has helped me through more tough times than you will ever know. When I feel bad, I add a little time to my exercise for the day. Improving my strength keeps my body more stable and it functions better. My stamina for, daily life,  is better when my exercise regimen is weekly. Otherwise, one small trip out of the house will have me in bed the remainder of the day and pooped for the next 3-4 days.

One thing I have learned, is to listen to my body. I never did this before. I let little aches and pains go by without attention. My primary care physician told me, 10 years ago, she thought I had a brain tumor and ordered a CAT Scan. I thought she was nuts and didn’t go. 10 years later, here I sit. Having lived through a nightmare that came close to taking my life.

Barry went totally out of his comfort zone with our new puppy dog for me. He had German Shepherds for years. I grew-up with Boxer Bulldogs. We picked out the sweetest, white-footed Boxer with the classic Boxer wag. She is simply gorgeous and incredibly smart. She loves Barry, actually waits by the door for him to get home. It is so sweet. She has stopped me from burning the house down a few times. When I’m home alone, she follows me everywhere. I think she actually knows when my bad days are. She has actually gotten in my lap and refused to move on really bad days. She even checks on my mother. She is a sweetheart.

I learned a long time ago that God isn’t finished with me yet. He’ll show me his plan as he is ready. For all I know, I’m in the middle of His plan as I type. Not my place to question, just live my life through Him. If I had followed through with my PCP ten years ago, I would not have met Barry and be where I am today. I love my new life with Barry and wouldn’t change a thing. We are enjoying rediscovering our Christian life together, as well as falling in love all over again. How often do you get to fall in love with your soul-mate all over again?

Case of the “Unknown Pants” solved…….

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From my previous post, you know about the pants that appeared in my dining room and no one wanted to claim, well……….

Through a little detective work, we were able to get culprit to admit her guilt. As a family, we had gone to a Christmas play in Athens and then Mom and husband went on to my sister’s church to see their production of the “Singing Christmas Tree”. Barry and I headed home, 2 programs would have done us both in. 

We received a call from mom around 10:30pm wanting to know if James could use the guest room. The next day, upon returning from church, we found the pants. Mom swore she didn’t know where they came from. Apparently, James needed some help with a hem and asked mom to help. She had instructed him to take them to the sewing machine upstairs. He got to my dining room and lost his train of thought, sat the pants down and started to exercise on my machine. He totally forgot the pants, as did mom. All I could picture was, my stepfather running around town in his underpants, when I found out that mom and James had planned for him to spend the night all along. I thought to myself, she’s getting sneaky. if she drives after dark. 

Memory played a huge role in this entire incident, Mom and James are both the culprits. When things like this happen around the hose, I automatically go to Barry and I forgetting about something we have done. It feels kinda nice to know it wasn’t us. Of course, it is scary for her and anyone else on the road, if she drives after dark. 

Sooooooooo………mom did it!

Mom and the Jello Chase

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Mom is sweet as she can be, but she can have her scattered moments that make you wonder. I don’t know how I would act, if I woke up one day and mom was totally organized. She can be everything from cute as a button to drive you insane confused.

Tonight her difficulty was lemon jello. She made three different trips to the store to get everything she needed to make a dessert for a church party tomorrow. When she arrived home, she realized she had pineapple jello, not lemon. She headed back to the store to make the switch and she couldn’t find it. The boxes were a mess and mom was tired, so she returned home to ask if we would swap it out for her. In all of the hoopla, mom came in and laid her Jello down and lost it! She had the kitchen in a mess to prepare this dessert and the jello was now somewhere in her mess.

We, of course, said yes. Mom went to retrieve her jello to swap out when she discovered it was misplaced. She was so frustrated by this time that Barry told her not to worry, we’d take care of it. 

We get home with her lemon jello, and she states, “sugar-free”? I just walked away………..

The case of the “unknown pants”…………

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pYou have to understand, we live in a house where three people with memory issues reside. Maggie, the dog, has a best memory in the house. I cannot figure this one out. Just wish we could figure this one out.

When arriving home from church, yesterday, I discovered a strange pair of pants lying over a dining room chair. They were a medium gray pair with a white pinstripe. We had no visitors to match these pants and we could not discern how they came to be in our dining room. All of the doors were locked, all windows closed tight, and Maggie did not appear to have had a mid-morning snack. Yet, here they are and how did they get in the house?

Barry denies knowing anything about the pants, other than they did not belong to him. The pants were not meant for a tall man, Barry is six-foot tall. These pants are meant for a munchkin. To my knowledge, there have been no munchkins in the house. Is Maggie throwing neighborhood parties when we aren’t home? She does open the doors by herself when she really wants in a room, or out. I’m writing this and haven’t got a clue where they came from.

Mom says she is not positive, but she doesn’t remember any visitors leaving without their pants. Mom is probably the culprit. She does minor alterations for people. But swears she knows nothing. 

In a house full of people with memory issues, what do you do when something like this happens? Just another example of the mysteries of the human brain. How else can you explain this?

Things I can’t do anything about

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Sticking with the roller coaster theme, I guess it is time for another ride. Life appears to slow down and let you relax and then you remember or life smacks you with something else you have no control over:

1. having a brain tumor

2. having a rare genetic disorder that wrecks havoc on your body daily.

2. what is going to happen next.

3. your social life involves more medical professionals than actual friends.

4. With Cowden’s Syndrome, you never know what body part will go nuts next.

5. what doctors do with the list of medication they take from you at every visit. Do they ever look at it?

5. What reaction to the new medication the doctor puts you on

6. which doctor’s office your reaction to medicine will land you in

7. where you’ll end up after having a test to determine the cause of a new issue

8. what will come out of your husbands mouth at any time

9. what your mother will lose next

10. when your family will realize you are still inside a body that does not function properly

11. when your mother will stop looking at you as if it is the last time she’ll see you

12. whether your eyes will function properly when you wake up

This list could go on and on, these are just the ones that have frustrated me, beyond my limits, lately. I’m hoping the tides turn soon.

Things not to discuss in the car………

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There are certain things you do not need to talk about in front of your son-in-law, especially on a car ride. You know, when he can’t get out and run far far away…..

  • What you remove with a pumice stone.
  • The fact that you couldn’t find matching hose for church
  • What your supper did to your stomach
  • Discuss the type of underclothes you wear
  • Have a list of what is wrong with the house that needs to be repaired immediately
  • What you wish we had done differently to the house when it was built
  • What type bra you would like Santa Claus to bring

My Christmas List

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Last night, my great niece asked what Santa Claus was bringing me and what did I have on my Christmas List. Being close to 50, this is a question I have not heard or thought about in years. Would I be on the Naughty or Nice List? So many questions popped into my head. Since the brain surgery, my childhood memories are not what they used to be. I had my mother confirm that I had written Santa a letter or two. It’s been a long time, but I think I’ll give it a shot.

Dear Santa,

How are you? I hope this letter finds everyone at the northpole feeling good! I’m having a good day, so far. Feeling a little tired after last night. There is nothing sweeter than watching children sing and performing the Christmas Story. They did such a good job! My great niece was in the children’s choir. She was adorable. There was a mirophone in front of her. she kept stepping out from her spot in line uo to the microphone and singing  her little heart out. Just precious. So Santa, I think my first wish has been granted. I got to see that little girl sing and spend time with family. Nothing sweeter than my our nieces and nephews. Of course Barry, mom, my sister and hubby are always entertaining.

My next wish was granted when Barry and I found our church home this year. Victory Baptist Church welcomed us with open arms and has never made us feel uncomfortable or unwelcome. I have learned more about the bible, in our time at Victory,  than in all the years growing up in church. The pastor is incredible and the church family is gracious and loving. I thank the Lord everyday for leading us to Victory.

My next Chritmas wish would have to be to continue increasing faith in Christ. I cherish each ounce of knowledge I gain through study and attending classes at church. I enjoy the time Barry and I spend together studying. We have really enjoyed working with the choir director on the music program. Looking for Civil War items to use as props has been like a giant treasure hunt. So much fun! 

I thank the Lord everyday for bringing Barry into my life. I do not know what I did to deserve him, but I’m glad I did it. Barry is the love of my life, my best friend, my soulmate. With the health issues I’ve gone through since 2009, he hassn’t batted an eye. He has been there every second I’ve needed him, just as I will be for him.

My next and final wish is for the coming year and for my sisters. Sandy, the oldest, is absolutely stretched to her limits. She is dealing with a lot of stress, as well as being a new grandmother. She tries to do everything for everyone and I do not believe she knows how to say no. Along with everything else in her life, she worries herself silly about her disabled, highly independent husband being home alone. Dennis is the type of person that if you tell him he can’t do something, he will find a way to do it.

My wish for Sandy, is to find time for herself and a job that fits her situation better than the one she has. I know she enjoys her work, but something closer to home would give her more time to enjoy life and her family. I’d like to see her smiling again.

Now to my sweet, baby sister Kris! Sandy, of course, is sweet too! Kris worked her tail off and finished her college degree in less time than it should have taken. Now, for over a year, she has been searching for a teaching position without success. She is an incredible Math teacher and some school system would be lucky to get her. She is taking care a husband, raising 2 boys, 14 and 6 and attemping a job hunt. She also takes care of our father as much as he will let her and her home.

My wish for Mrs. Kris is to find that job she is looking for or something compariable. I’d like to see a smile on her face too! But I’d also like her to find a little peace in her life and time for herself. I have 2 sisters that I love dearly and will do anything in the world for either of them, they just have to let me. I’d also love to see the three of us spending a little time together. We might even take mom with us!

Thanks for your time! What kind of cookies would you like this year?

Love,

Jill

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