Category Archives: difficult issues

Things I thought I would never able to say, ‘Yes, I did that’ , in my life time

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If you think you are about to read this ‘naughty girl’ confession list, prepare to be disappointed. I’m afraid to admit I’m one of the tamest women left on earth. I should have titled this post, ‘The things I should be embarrassed by or ashamed to admit I did’, rather than the title I posted. Well here goes, sorry to disappoint you……

1. I called out sick at work, when I just did not want to go.

2. I am currently wearing a kotex pad under my left arm, to cover one surgical incision from my breast cancer surgery.

I sprang a leak. I felt like I needed a plumber. The doctor’s answer was to cover it with a kotex pad to handle the drainage until my next appointment.

3. When I walk briskly, I sound like a bottle of water being shaken up.

4. When driving a drunk friend home, once upon a time, he attempted to grab the wheel and struck me across the face. I pulled over to the side of I-85 and put them out of my car.

5. I have had to send money to a friend stuck in Biloxi, Miss. without a dime to get home.

6. I once let someone get mad at me because I did not like hanging around with them. They got mad and quit coming around. I felt so bad, but I didn’t have the nerve to tell them to go away.

7. I let myself get into a situation at a party once, that a woman thought I was interested in her. Embarrassing….

8. When I went to pick a blind date up once, they attacked, I fought them off and ran. As I ran he tore the shirt and bra off my body. I was running through a parking lot half-naked.

9. In my single days, I let a woman tell an overly tipsy man I was hers, to get him to leave me alone.

10. Left a restaurant/bar with a couple of friends one night. When we got to the parking lot, one of the women I was with, started taking off her clothes as we walked to the car. To date, I haven’t asked “why?”.

11. I watched a girlfriend walk over to a man, whom had hit on her, pull a can of ‘Campbells’  soup out of the bust of her dress and hand it to him. She asked him to leave her alone and told him that he had the only thing he’d ever get from her in his hand.

12. My ex-husband talked me into ‘making-out’ in a casket at a funeral home in a small town in Georgia.

13. I corrupted my new husband in the dark on a boat on Lake Lanier, many years ago. That is all I’ll say about that.

14. I have attended the Masquerade Club in Atlanta, Ga. Not proud of being talked into going.

15. I used to love karaoke.

All of the above statements are true, 90% of them happened within 6 months of my divorce. I decided after that time, that I had put myself and my body through enough craziness. I let the true, sane me come back out to be the decent person I am.

‘

Mother: Part 2

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I was heartbroken to realize mom was crying this afternoon. It breaks my heart to see her cry. She gets confused when she cries.

When I sat her down to talk, I apologized for not realizing she wasn’t feeling her best and asked what the problem was. Mom proceeded to tell me she was upset with herself and didn’t know what to do.

Do to health reasons, mom has recently had to give up driving and gave her car to my youngest sister. If she’s not driving, why carry the cost of a car. Well, this afternoon, when mom went out to gather her tools for gardening and realized she did not have everything she needed, life hit her in the face.

When the thought of her inability to drive hit her, she lost it. She says it felt like her independence was flying out the door. She said she understood and knew it was time, but it would take her some time to get used to the feeling. 

She wanted to go to Wal-mart and realized she could not drive. She said it hit hard and she started crying. When she asked me where she could plant her plants in the sun, I argued with her for asking because I was almost asleep.

Barry helped me outside to go through the gardening spots with mom. We spent an hour outside helping her decide where she needs to plant certain things. Just that hour of time outside with her eased the painful thoughts she was having. Talking it out helped. We talked as we looked for garden spots, she felt better when we all decided it was time to eat.

She is thrilled that, my sister Sandy, is taking her to my nephew, Daniel’s college graduation, next weekend. She was so excited when she told me she was going. Like a big kid going to Six Flags. She got her hair cut, so she’s looking great! Mom likes to dress up and go places. She cleans up well.

I need to check to make sure all of her medications are packed and ready to go. I need to get copies of everything for Sandy. I want her to be set to have a good time. She deserves it.

It is so close to Mother’s Day! I don’t like to see mom upset. Barry and I both are glad Sandy is taking her on this trip. It will do her spirits some good.

Kristie and her family, Barry and I, and now I guess I’ll ask Sandy and Dennis, are taking mom to lunch at the Chinese Buffet in Snellville after church on Sunday. That will perk her up to. She needs to be showered with attention at times. We all love you very much, Mom!

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You cannot catch my brain tumor, so please do not discount me!

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I have no problem with the“nice”coming out in people, but where does all this negativity in people come from.

When I was younger, it was odd to see a person with a disability out shopping. I, personally, think it is wonderful to see senior adults and other disabled people getting out and doing for themselves. Makes you feel good.

I ran into a couple of the most negative human beings on earth this week. Ironically, while out shopping. I was using the motorized shopping carts in both instances. At Kroger, the lady actually raised her voice and accused me of attempting to run over her when I only drove around her to get down the aisle.

Then at Wal-Mart, I was turning to go to the next aisle when I almost hit a woman and her shopping cart head on. I said “excuse me” and started around her. Her response was to state, “Good grief, I said I was sorry!” If one more person tells me to let someone have the cart, that really needs it. I think I’ll scream at them. But I do enjoy the look on their faces when I “tell them to tell it to my brain tumor!”

Priceless……I still am not sure I understand either one, but what can I do? I intend to keep helping with the household duties, which include shopping. Just because my body doesn’t work like it used to, doesn’t mean I can’t shop!

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Writing Through Cancer: When life hurts, writing can help. Weekly writing prompts for those living with debilitating illness, pain or trauma.

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Stories—the small personal ones that bring us close as well as those of the larger world—foster compassion.  In the telling of our personal lives, we’re reminded of our basic, human qualities—our vulnerabilities and strengths, foolishness and wisdom, who we are…, through the exchange of stories, [you] help heal each other’s spirits.

–Patrice Vecchione, Writing and the Spiritual Life

Growing up, I was a shy child. As the years went on, I came out of my shyness a little, but as I grew older and started getting serious about life the shyness reappeared in certain situations.

I think we all go through an awkward phase as a child, I’d say I hit mine around the sixth-grade or seventh-grade. The summer I turned twelve years old, I shot up over six inches in height. Mom thought she was purchasing stylish glasses for me, when truth be told, they were the ugliest glasses I had ever seen.

Anyone with an opportunity and a mean streak took it upon themselves to let me know how gawky and goofy I looked in those glasses. As I got taller, I was the second tallest girl in my class and the first girl to develop in all the right places. I was taller than everyone in the class. That just added to the fire.

Another thing that added to my “nerdy” status is that I developed allergies as a child. I grew up when they didn’t know how to treat allergies. I was always sick, had a lot of food allergies and did a ton of throwing up after meals. Not so easy to make friends when you are literally the snotty girl, always scratching and have the ability to vomit at the drop of a hat. Kids can be so mean. I was sick so much, mom thought I needed to see a doctor daily. The ironic thing about mom running me to the doctor constantly, was that the brain tumor I have has been there since I was a child. I was sick, but not for any of the reasons she was taking me to the doctor.

All of these, should have been good things, but the kids I grew up with saw a vulnerable girl they could hurl their latest ammunition at. It was like some bully kept a book and said “let’s pick on her today.”

One stupid new girl decided she would target me on her own. I became her pet project at her new school. She took particular dislike to my glasses. I was called “Four-Eyes” so many times in the eighth-grade that I decided to let her foolishness stop bothering me and decided to kill her with kindness. Sometime in the night-grade,  the bullying stopped. The new girl, never turned nice through four-years of high school, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t let her get to me.

I took my classes, did my school work and survived high school. Most of us do. What you have to remember about bullies, is that they are just jealous or sometimes it could be as boy or girl who is sweet on you and doesn’t know how to handle their own feelings. Be patient growing up, God will get up through it! I went to college away from everyone I had known for years.

After graduating high school, the shy girl came flying out of me again. Nursing school put me into situations I didn’t know how to handle, so I did my best. If I was uncomfortable in a situation, I worked my way through it. After I was married the first time, I ran into people here and there. What I noticed the most, was they acted like we were life long friends. God says to forgive and I have forgiven.

Doctors are not kind to new nurses or old ones at that. My first nursing job, opened my eyes to how crude the medical profession can be. You would not believe, what goes on behind the scenes, at some hospitals here in Georgia. In all my life, I did not realize how ugly people can be to one another. I grew-up quickly.

After my first husband and I divorced, one of my first jobs as a single woman was at the local jail in my hometown. The saddest part of that job, was seeing more people I went to high school with in jail than on the streets of town. A few were hard to believe, but others I had seen in trouble for years. I dated a deputy for a while, and he got a bit stalkerish. Someone in jail, that I had known for years, stood up for me. He did the right thing and said something when the time was right. I never got the chance to say thank you! Thank you, Joe! I know he’ll never see this, but at least I have said it.

I went through many jobs, that finally lead me to the career I was meant to have. I stayed with that career until I was forced into retirement by a nasty brain tumor called a gangliocytoma. I would later discover the tumor was just a symptom of a genetic disorder called Cowden Syndrome. Sine that diagnosis, I have survived Thyroid Cancer and I am dealing with breast cancer. Every month, I am in some doctor’s office being probed, prodded or x-rayed.

Note to all doctor’s that do lumpectomies, tell your patient’s about the fluid build-up possibility and the possibility of acting like a leaky pipe under your arm. It would make life after lumpectomy less stressful.

I’m getting tired, but I refuse to let this mess get the best of me. God has a plan for my life, otherwise I wouldn’t still be around. It is not my place to question that plan. I have tolerated this breast cancer episode better than things in the past. Either I am tired of fighting, or learning how to give it to God finally. I’ve prayed about the subject. It must be sinking in.

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Day Two: Post Lumpectomy

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MM900178208The drugs have worn off, I’ve started my exercises, and I rode in the car this afternoon. I took a pillow for comfort, but it went really well.

The pain is subsiding, until I move my arm too much. I still have my faithful bottle of giggle pills.   I have drunk so much liquid I feel like my eyeballs are floating. I have to flush all that lovely dye and anesthesia out of my system. The sooner that mess is out of my system, the better. I’ll feel better and I’ll stop resembling a Smurf around the edges. The doctor says that effect will go away in a few days.

The wait has begun. My appointment is on the 10th to get the pathology report and make treatment plans. I’m not worried, it’s in God’s hands. But now that I am more alert, it is on my mind. That simple little report is going to have such as huge impact on my life. It is hard not to think about it.

In between all the hoopla above, my left knee has given out on me and they are injecting chicken cartilage into the knee in hopes of forming a cushion in there to keep bone from hitting bone. So far, it helps for a few days, then the pain is back. It is a series of three shots. I’ve had the second one. If this doesn’t help, they want to discuss a knee replacement. I truly am NOT sure how I feel about that.

Total Knee replacement : AP view (Xray).

Our lives are in God’s hands. He has a plan for us all. We are not to question that plan. We are to be good people and better Christians.

Barry and I study our bibles. We have devotions with one another and we are active at church. Loving every minute of it. Barry and I have discussed that we feel more complete and better about where we are headed than we have in years.

I am finally catching on to the practice of handing things over to God. This breast cancer experience has shown that to me. My stress level has been lower and I have been able to turn my head off and go to sleep at night. Every prior health issue has caused me to worry myself sick. I tolerated this so much better. I’m proud of my progress. I wasn’t sure I could do it.

I’m learning to deal with my illness/disability as part of my life. The new “Jill” is progressing. Took me long enough. I blame my slowness on the brain injury caused by my brain surgery. Is it not awful that you have to cause a “brain injury” to save someone’s life when a brain tumor is discovered. Also, it isn’t like I’ve been a little busy.

I’ve been able to get my exercise regimen going again. Feeling better and walking better. Hopefully this latest health issue will not put a damper on that. My exercise makes me feel better.

The babble is starting, which is my question to stop typing. Have blessed night everyone.

beeani0822

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Update: Jill

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Jill is doing well. Surgery started late and took longer than anticipated. Now we wait 7-10 days for pathology report. We finally got her home. I got her settled in her chair, all doped up and sleeping. Now  I.m gonna figure dinner out and sit myself down soon! Thank you all for your prayers and support. Jill truly enjoys blogging and enjoys all of you!

Thank you,

Barry Baynes

 

Daily Prompt: Cringe-Worthy

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Do you feel uncomfortable when you see someone ;else being embarrassed? What’s most likely to make you squirm?

What makes me uncomfortable is seeing anyone think they have the right to attack someone, in public, for whatever reason.

I wouldn’t call the feeling I get, uncomfortable. It leans more toward anger than uncomfortable. As Americans we have rights. In my book, one right should most definitely be; the right not to be attacked in public unjustly.

I feel more uncomfortable for the person doing the attacking. Not only is what they are doing embarrassing, it is just not nice. The reason/cause of the attack doesn’t matter. It, flat-out, is not right!

Coming down off my ‘Nice’ high horse, I’ll admit there is something in public that makes me cringe and want to point something out to another person. I never do it, but I feel terrible for even thinking about it.

I’m embarrassed to start with, that today’s society has a named things like “muffin tops“, “whale tales”, “tramp stamps”, and “bro-pants”. It is just sad that our society thinks it is OK to dress the way they do out in public. Since when is it OK to wear your pj’s to the grocery store?

As a woman, when I see another woman or girl out in public dressed as if they should be wearing “Spanx” from head to toe makes me cringe.

I am uncomfortable being shown the top of someone’s rear when in public. Call me old-fashioned, I do not care! Whatever happened to having a little mystery in your life? Do you have to show all you goodies off, every time you are out in public?

Next time you think you are ready to leave the house, take a second look. Think about the people who will be looking at you once you leave your home. Have a little mercy, please!

 

For the Week of April 28, 2013: Writing as a Spiritual Practice

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Through the exchange of stories, we help heal each other’s spirits…Isn’t this what a spiritual life is about?

–Patrice Vecchione, Writing and the Spiritual Life

Writing for me is an outlet to show my true self. Writing allows me to be completely honest with the world and myself. I have become more verbal on topics I would normally hold in to eat me alive with stress.

Recently, I have felt a new strength developing through my writing. I feel my faith has strengthened and I am changing as a human being. I look at the world differently. As a child, I the beauty of the world amazes and astounds us. As adults we have forgotten what a beautiful place we have been blessed with by our precious Lord. It suggests the old saying. “Stop and Smell the Roses”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stop_and_Smell_the_Roses

I look at my family, friends and life in general differently. My health has been a huge factor in the changes noted in me. I have been through so many lab tests, x-rays, CAT Scans and MRI’s that you could probably see me glowing in space or find me easily with a satellite. Dealing with my rare genetic disorder has brought patience and tolerance into my life (which are 2 things I was sorely lacking in). I’m a nurse. I once thought I was blessed with the patience of Job until receiving my first diagnosis and my roller coaster ride started. After brain surgery, I quickly learned to dislike the word, Time! I’ll re-post from my blog on ‘Time’.

           ******This is a re-blog. I felt it was appropriate to post it again, cuz that old       dislike is the word ‘Time’ is coming out again. I have something go wrong and I feel like crap-ola. All the doctor’s office can say is give it time, they will come in. I truly do not like being in this position. One thing has changed since I wrote this, I have been reminded that I am not supposed to worry about things. I need to put it in God’s hands, he is in control. So much has gone on since 2009, I had kinda forgotten that huge fact. I am actually beginning to feel more at ease about my illness. I do not like getting worse, but I have to remember, I’m just getting closer to him. Honestly, being able to give a little of this worry up is wonderful! I’m loving the peace!*****************************************

I learned to hate that word several years ago. When you are healing after anything to do with the brain, everyone’s favorite thing to say is ” Time, just give it time.”. I do not know about anyone else, but both Barry and I are a tad impatient. Time is a word impatient people can’t stand.

I have to admit that I enjoyed paying Barry back with a few time comments. You have to understand my husband’s quirky sense of humor. I know he thoroughly enjoyed telling me “Give it time.”. He smiled and giggled a little too much after saying it. I turned it around and now use it on him just a little. I tried to hide my snickering.

OK, well down to the news I need to share. My visit to neuro-oncologist was quite informative. He gave us more information than we have ever received from other doctors. He confirmed that I do have Cowden Syndrome. With my medical history, he doesn’t feel the blood test is necessary. He is scheduling an MRI of the brain and a full body PET Scan. He says he hopes they are both negative, but to be ready for the possibility. Said it could be as simple as the thyroid cancer not being totally removed or something else manifesting in the neurological symptoms that have been popping up. Here we go again with that word, TIME! Barry and I are praying and giving it to God. If it’s meant to be……….

I have always been a very compassionate person, to the point of being a sucker. Barry’s stroke strengthened my faith and spirituality. When he was healthy enough, we found a church to call home. We are enjoying getting to know the church community and trying to find which ministry we would like to be part of.

My health would be my precipitating event. Since 2000, I have had 3 spinal epidurals; been through a year with a masseuse; a year with a pain management doctor; been through thyroid cancer three times; my tonsils grew back and removed a second time; had brain surgery for a benign cerebellar tumor; been diagnosed with a rare genetic disease that causes tumors to form through my body; lost my gall bladder. had a ruptured cyst in my left breast and am now facing breast cancer. Surgery scheduled for Tuesday.

I have definitely felt the need to get closer to God and learn more about my religion. I study the bible regularly. I have learned more about the Bible in the last year than I ever did attending church as a child. Barry and I read together every evening. We are trying to get through the bible before summertime.

My re-found spirituality has helped me to notice and appreciate the world around me again. My relationships with my family have improved. I love my husband more everyday! I thank the good Lord daily for bringing him into my life.

Barry and I are now taking care of my mother. She wasn’t in a healthy home-life with her husband. When her health started to decline, she moved in with us. It was a bit of a struggle to start, but we are getting used to each other. I have written about the transition we went through when she moved in. It has been healthy for Barry and I to work on the posts together.

In closing, in my opinion writing has changed my life. I look forward to it daily and enjoy planning my post each week.

For this week:  How has writing deepened your spirituality?  Your compassion or insight?  How have faith and spirituality manifested themselves in your life?  Was there a precipitating event?  Write about the prayer that writing becomes, the spiritual journey that writing has helped you discover.