Category Archives: Coping Skills

Growing Up in the Shadows

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Before I write this, I want everyone to know every word is TRUE! The sad thing is, this is only one story of many I could tell.

My name is Jill. I am the middle child of three girls. My sisters and I are close. We had to be close growing up. Mom was a little hard to deal with when we were kids. It wasn’t until recently, that we have started to understand mom’s behavior as we grew-up.

Growing up, I worshiped my older sister. I followed her everywhere. I didn’t let her out of my sight for long. When I started my cycle, 2 weeks after Sandy, mom started telling everyone; “Jill never could let Sandy do anything by herself.” I was eight years old and Sandy was 11. At this point, Kristie was young enough not to care about anything her older sisters and what they were doing. She was too busy growing up. 

We grew up in a small town in the days when it was OK to leave kids at the movies, mall (actually I’m not sure we had a local mall yet), or skating rink without grown-up supervision. When mom and dad left us on our own, Sandy took on the role of protector. She watched Kristie and I like a hawk. She wasn’t going to be in charge if something happened.

An unbelievable incident occurred while we were at the local skating rink. The incident slowly evolved from some bigger kids picking on Kristie. She was wearing a tube top, one of the older girls grabbed by the shoulders and dug her finger nails in, to the point of bringing blood from the scratches, left across her shoulders.

Kristie immediately ran to Sandy and pointed the girls out to her. Sandy told the Security Guard, who had a talk with the girls. Which apparently did not a bit of good, because they ran to their mother’s. Their mother’s proceeded to corner Sandy and threaten her.

When mom arrived, Sandy told her the story. You could see mom’s switch flip from cool, calm and collected;  to do not mess with my kids. Sandy pointed everyone out to mom. The security guard realized mom had arrived and he proceeded to attempt to talk her out of saying anything.

Mom went to talk to the older girls. They ran to their mothers. When their mothers confronted our mother, the security guard called the police. I am not sure how to describe the other women involved, politely. They were like no other women I had seen in my lifetime. This was the first time I ever realized women could actually shave their eyebrows and paint them back on. Not a look I care for.

A crowd started to form around the car my mom leaned into to discuss the situation. She must have said something the women in the car didn’t like because they sell got out of the car, came around and surrounded mom.

The driver of the car, pushed mom backwards. Mom got up fighting. She jumped the driver. The next thing we knew mom and the driver were rolling around on the ground and the other women were landing punches as they could. The crowd was wild.

Before the fight was in full swing, the Security Guard called the police. We could here the sirens getting closer in the background. The police arrived, they attempted to stop the fight and desperate everyone. All I could see of the fight was fists and hair flying. At one point, I watched my mother grab the Security Guard and tell him to leave her alone if he didn’t want to loose what she was grabbing.

The police finally separated the fight and attempted to sort out what happened. I do not remember much after this, because our father had been contacted to pick us up. We were taken home and sent to bed. When we got up the next day, mom was home and the previous night was not mentioned.

I have a relationship with my sisters that others have trouble understanding. Maybe it has something to do with our childhood. We went through a lot together.

My husband was an only child. He had one child with his first wife. My oldest sister’s husband grew up with a brother and sister. My youngest sister’s husband is from overseas and grew-up with a sister. Other than Barry, everyone grew-up with a sibling.

Libor, Kristie’s husband, states that he has never seen siblings get along so well together or exhibit the closeness we do concerning one another. 

When Barry and I were married, it took him ages to get used to our relationship. He became a little upset with me once when he overheard a conversation between my oldest sister and myself. He felt I should have been asking him the kind of questions, he heard me asking Sandy.

I tried to explain that I’ve been depending on my sisters for advice on certain topics since I was a kid. He grew up an only child, not knowing what it is like to have a closeness with a sibling. As time goes by, he grows closer to understanding our relationship. 

You have friendship, brotherhood, and many other words to describe a kinship between people. If you do not know or understand what it means to be a sister, you do not know what you are missing.

Sisters are a different breed. We interact with one another on a different level than brothers and friends do. We know each others deep, dark secrets. We ask and answer each other questions you’d have trouble asking you husband or closest friend.

Sisters tell you when they think you are acting like an idiot and then they will also let you know when they think you are brilliant. You can always count on your sister. Through good and bad times, they will always be there for you.

You can count on your sisters to always be open and honest with you. When you get sick, your sister will be there to do whatever needs to be done. Part of being a sister, is being able to tell your sister when they are being complete turds and need to remember there are other people in this world than themselves.

Everyone has busy full lives today, you can’t shuck off your responsibilities to suit your needs. Once a sister, always a sister. Once a daughter, always a daughter. There are a few things in life that cannot be changed. 

With sisters, you can be fighting like cats and dogs one minute or not speaking for months; let something happen and your sisters will be there at the drop of a hat. Sisters are always there when you need them.

Being the middle child of three girls, I felt like I was in the shadow of my sisters daily. We went through the same school system, rode the same bus, had the same issues with our parents. Some how, I man managed to feel over-shadowed by my older and younger sisters. Teachers, the bus driver and other school-related employees used to ask if I talked as much as my older sister. When I said, “No, I was the quiet one.” Their answer was always “Good”.

Kristie over-shadowed me when she was a freshman in high school. I had spent most of my junior year, sick and out of school. Upon returning my senior year, my baby sister took it upon herself to be my protector. She wouldn’t let anyone mess with me. Mrs. Gieger, the bus driver, said Kristie talked too much also. She told me once I was a nice break between my two sisters.

Stairsteps1- Jill and her sisters

Stairsteps1- Jill and her sisters

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Lost

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For years, I have wanted to see my mother happy. I never thought I’d be around to see it. My mom’s health is declining and she is slipping slowly into the early stages of dementia and has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. She currently resides with Barry and myself. It was truly hard to begin with, but slowly the disease is changing her. She actually relaxes a little and I’ve seen her smile. She is enjoying organizng her new home and cat. She really enjoys her cat.

Mom is accepting that she can no longer drive and appears relieved. She is not as scattered as she has been. She has actually apologized for a few things from my past. It was hard growing up with mom, but now as an adult, I finally understand why. Getting mom to stop arguing and take ownership of her illnesses has been a huge step.

When is doing well with her medication regimen. She spends her days, cleaning, gardening, playing with her cat and our dog, she is a great help for me with the laundry. My toughest issue. She says the cat tells her hello every morning. I’ve yet to hear that one. She just wants to stay busy. She is getting so busy, she even dances with the commercials about “hip-hop abs” says she wants them at 72.

The dementia had mom doing some odd things and you never know what she will say. I’m gonna end it here. I’m pooped and hurting. Gonna get some medicine and get some rest.

 

Day Two: Post Lumpectomy

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MM900178208The drugs have worn off, I’ve started my exercises, and I rode in the car this afternoon. I took a pillow for comfort, but it went really well.

The pain is subsiding, until I move my arm too much. I still have my faithful bottle of giggle pills.   I have drunk so much liquid I feel like my eyeballs are floating. I have to flush all that lovely dye and anesthesia out of my system. The sooner that mess is out of my system, the better. I’ll feel better and I’ll stop resembling a Smurf around the edges. The doctor says that effect will go away in a few days.

The wait has begun. My appointment is on the 10th to get the pathology report and make treatment plans. I’m not worried, it’s in God’s hands. But now that I am more alert, it is on my mind. That simple little report is going to have such as huge impact on my life. It is hard not to think about it.

In between all the hoopla above, my left knee has given out on me and they are injecting chicken cartilage into the knee in hopes of forming a cushion in there to keep bone from hitting bone. So far, it helps for a few days, then the pain is back. It is a series of three shots. I’ve had the second one. If this doesn’t help, they want to discuss a knee replacement. I truly am NOT sure how I feel about that.

Total Knee replacement : AP view (Xray).

Our lives are in God’s hands. He has a plan for us all. We are not to question that plan. We are to be good people and better Christians.

Barry and I study our bibles. We have devotions with one another and we are active at church. Loving every minute of it. Barry and I have discussed that we feel more complete and better about where we are headed than we have in years.

I am finally catching on to the practice of handing things over to God. This breast cancer experience has shown that to me. My stress level has been lower and I have been able to turn my head off and go to sleep at night. Every prior health issue has caused me to worry myself sick. I tolerated this so much better. I’m proud of my progress. I wasn’t sure I could do it.

I’m learning to deal with my illness/disability as part of my life. The new “Jill” is progressing. Took me long enough. I blame my slowness on the brain injury caused by my brain surgery. Is it not awful that you have to cause a “brain injury” to save someone’s life when a brain tumor is discovered. Also, it isn’t like I’ve been a little busy.

I’ve been able to get my exercise regimen going again. Feeling better and walking better. Hopefully this latest health issue will not put a damper on that. My exercise makes me feel better.

The babble is starting, which is my question to stop typing. Have blessed night everyone.

beeani0822

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Day One: Post Lumpectomy

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I promise I’ll only do this today, but this is where my mind is and I HURT! You do not realize how much certain parts of your body move, until some doctor cuts a hole in it. I just have one main word to get across in this post and that is OUCH!

I feel as if I have been wrestling with barbed wire. I don’t know who intubated me, but they may need a little more practice. I know they tried their best. Obviously got it in the right place, but my throat is incredibly sore from their practice. My twitching vocal chords did not help, I’m sure.

As the radiologists was inserting the guide wire, into a supposed numb area, I felt like she was jamming a piece of barbed wire in to help Dr. S. find the tumor. I’m glad I was asleep to have it removed.

WOW……..what an ordeal for a Stage One Breast Cancer. I’m just glad this was not 20 years ago. I saw that surgery in nursing school. Medical technology has improved immensely. Thank Goodness.

I’m not out of the woods yet. We are waiting for the last pathology report to find out the treatment I need.

Please keep up the prayers, cross you fingers, cross your toes, send a few angels my way……I need all the help I can get to make it through this.

Thank you all (had to let my Southern Belle shine) for your concern, support and prayers. You are all wonderful! Just a short post for today, I need another pain-giggle pill. I’m not one to like medication, but this stuff is good and I like to giggle!

From the bottom of my heart, thank you!

 

Update: Jill

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Jill is doing well. Surgery started late and took longer than anticipated. Now we wait 7-10 days for pathology report. We finally got her home. I got her settled in her chair, all doped up and sleeping. Now  I.m gonna figure dinner out and sit myself down soon! Thank you all for your prayers and support. Jill truly enjoys blogging and enjoys all of you!

Thank you,

Barry Baynes

 

Daily Prompt: Unleash Your Inner Dickinson

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National Poetry Writing Month is nearly at end. To celebrate it, try your hand at some verse.

The Fight in Me

Facing the illness,

Building my strength,

Dealing with pain,

Day by day,

Doctors so confident,

With so few answers,

But their abilities are lacking!

As I enter an exam room,

Their knowledge is useless,

My body out of control, 

As strange things continue, 

One doctor’s academic experiment,

Lab-rat I am not,

Without knowledge of applicable treatment,

We play the game “What to try Next?”,

Not knowing the outcome,

But something has to be done,

The pain remains unending,

But my spirit wains,

Unsure of the outcome,

But a new willingness to try,

Something has to treat this disease,

I will not let it get the best of me,

I am a different person,

Than earlier days,

My faith in the Lord,

Keeps me going,

For in his hands my body lies,

The world around me appears different,

 This disease has changed my insight,

And perspective of my surroundings,

Thank you, Lord

For showing me the way,

To manage this illness,

In a positive way!

For the Week of April 28, 2013: Writing as a Spiritual Practice

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Through the exchange of stories, we help heal each other’s spirits…Isn’t this what a spiritual life is about?

–Patrice Vecchione, Writing and the Spiritual Life

Writing for me is an outlet to show my true self. Writing allows me to be completely honest with the world and myself. I have become more verbal on topics I would normally hold in to eat me alive with stress.

Recently, I have felt a new strength developing through my writing. I feel my faith has strengthened and I am changing as a human being. I look at the world differently. As a child, I the beauty of the world amazes and astounds us. As adults we have forgotten what a beautiful place we have been blessed with by our precious Lord. It suggests the old saying. “Stop and Smell the Roses”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stop_and_Smell_the_Roses

I look at my family, friends and life in general differently. My health has been a huge factor in the changes noted in me. I have been through so many lab tests, x-rays, CAT Scans and MRI’s that you could probably see me glowing in space or find me easily with a satellite. Dealing with my rare genetic disorder has brought patience and tolerance into my life (which are 2 things I was sorely lacking in). I’m a nurse. I once thought I was blessed with the patience of Job until receiving my first diagnosis and my roller coaster ride started. After brain surgery, I quickly learned to dislike the word, Time! I’ll re-post from my blog on ‘Time’.

           ******This is a re-blog. I felt it was appropriate to post it again, cuz that old       dislike is the word ‘Time’ is coming out again. I have something go wrong and I feel like crap-ola. All the doctor’s office can say is give it time, they will come in. I truly do not like being in this position. One thing has changed since I wrote this, I have been reminded that I am not supposed to worry about things. I need to put it in God’s hands, he is in control. So much has gone on since 2009, I had kinda forgotten that huge fact. I am actually beginning to feel more at ease about my illness. I do not like getting worse, but I have to remember, I’m just getting closer to him. Honestly, being able to give a little of this worry up is wonderful! I’m loving the peace!*****************************************

I learned to hate that word several years ago. When you are healing after anything to do with the brain, everyone’s favorite thing to say is ” Time, just give it time.”. I do not know about anyone else, but both Barry and I are a tad impatient. Time is a word impatient people can’t stand.

I have to admit that I enjoyed paying Barry back with a few time comments. You have to understand my husband’s quirky sense of humor. I know he thoroughly enjoyed telling me “Give it time.”. He smiled and giggled a little too much after saying it. I turned it around and now use it on him just a little. I tried to hide my snickering.

OK, well down to the news I need to share. My visit to neuro-oncologist was quite informative. He gave us more information than we have ever received from other doctors. He confirmed that I do have Cowden Syndrome. With my medical history, he doesn’t feel the blood test is necessary. He is scheduling an MRI of the brain and a full body PET Scan. He says he hopes they are both negative, but to be ready for the possibility. Said it could be as simple as the thyroid cancer not being totally removed or something else manifesting in the neurological symptoms that have been popping up. Here we go again with that word, TIME! Barry and I are praying and giving it to God. If it’s meant to be……….

I have always been a very compassionate person, to the point of being a sucker. Barry’s stroke strengthened my faith and spirituality. When he was healthy enough, we found a church to call home. We are enjoying getting to know the church community and trying to find which ministry we would like to be part of.

My health would be my precipitating event. Since 2000, I have had 3 spinal epidurals; been through a year with a masseuse; a year with a pain management doctor; been through thyroid cancer three times; my tonsils grew back and removed a second time; had brain surgery for a benign cerebellar tumor; been diagnosed with a rare genetic disease that causes tumors to form through my body; lost my gall bladder. had a ruptured cyst in my left breast and am now facing breast cancer. Surgery scheduled for Tuesday.

I have definitely felt the need to get closer to God and learn more about my religion. I study the bible regularly. I have learned more about the Bible in the last year than I ever did attending church as a child. Barry and I read together every evening. We are trying to get through the bible before summertime.

My re-found spirituality has helped me to notice and appreciate the world around me again. My relationships with my family have improved. I love my husband more everyday! I thank the good Lord daily for bringing him into my life.

Barry and I are now taking care of my mother. She wasn’t in a healthy home-life with her husband. When her health started to decline, she moved in with us. It was a bit of a struggle to start, but we are getting used to each other. I have written about the transition we went through when she moved in. It has been healthy for Barry and I to work on the posts together.

In closing, in my opinion writing has changed my life. I look forward to it daily and enjoy planning my post each week.

For this week:  How has writing deepened your spirituality?  Your compassion or insight?  How have faith and spirituality manifested themselves in your life?  Was there a precipitating event?  Write about the prayer that writing becomes, the spiritual journey that writing has helped you discover.