Category Archives: Old Mom

Growing Up in the Shadows, Part 2

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Stairsteps3

Stairsteps3

My sister’s and I are now adults. There have been many changes. Once, Sandy and I were close, but I have become much closer to Kristie as we grew up.

Sandy married early and started a family early. She and her husband, Dennis, have twin boys and a girl. All but one are out on their own with their families started. Derrek is the hold out, he is looking for his perfect mate. I have no doubt he will find her eventually.

Someone Dennis worked with, introduced me to my first husband. I was head-over-hills in love. We were married and I moved to Madison, Ga., lovely little town. I discovered while in Madison, I missed Kristie terribly. Twelve years later I was divorced and living back in my childhood home.

While Sandy and I were doing the marriage thing in Madison, Kristie got stuck dealing with mom and dad as they filed for divorce. For years, mom firmly stated, the minute Kristie was out of high school she was leaving.

Two weeks, to date of Kristie’s graduation, mom packed up and left. I felt so bad. She had been threatening for years, I guess I never thought she’d. Mom was really good with acting on her present tense threats, not her future threats. She generally forgot what she had threatened.

I was proud of Kristie, she dealt with the mess at home, started school, helped daddy through finding an apartment and moved in with him. Pop is a pack rat and living with him was not easy. Kristie made a forever friend at school and her home became Kristie’s second home. It was good to see her happy for a change.

Mom met and married her second husband sometime in this period. Just thinking of my mother on a date is scary, but actually getting married. When we would call to talk to her, he would claim he did not know her. Things really did not get better.

We found out somethings from his past, that made Sandy and her husband refuse to let mom see their kids until she divorced him. This only made mom mad. Mom went to Sandy’s one day and flattened all her car tires.

She proceeded to The Office of the Department of Family and Children’s Services. She reported to a case worker that Sandy and Dennis were mentally abusing their children by not letting them see their grandmother.

What mom didn’t realize was that she was talking to a close friend of mine. My husband being in Law Enforcement, she called him the minute mom left her office. She told my ex that my sisters and I needed to go to the courthouse to have mom committed for incompetence. The sad thing is, back then, neither Sandy, Kristie or I had the nerve to do it. We knew what we’d have to deal with when they let her out!

Not long after that, Kristie met her husband. They were married and starting a family early. Kristie and I found out we were pregnant at the same time, about a months difference. I miscarried for the fifth time and Kristie delivered Jonny. He is like my child.

This pregnancy was the end of my marriage. My husbands attitude changed and it started to effect our marriage. It wasn’t long after that we filed for divorce.

Sandy stayed busy with her happy home and wonderful kids. It used to aggravate me beyond means for my mother to drive past my home, to Sandy’s. She would then call me and say “get out here to see me,” even as an adult, my mother put me in the shadows because I didn’t have grandchildren.

Sandy has worked hard and has a beautiful family to be proud of. Kristie has done the same. She has two beautiful boys she is busy raising. They have both done incredible jobs being moms.  I spent these years focusing on my career and working. I’ve done a great job spoiling their kids rotten. Thanks to Julie-bug, I can start spoiling the second generation.

Kristie had been married a few months when I got divorced. I moved back into my childhood bedroom and attempted to get my life together. Jonathan was the light of my life. When he was old enough, I took him everywhere.

His bottle was my alarm clock every morning, he would beat me in the head saying “Gege” until I got up. He towers over me know. We had such special times together when he was younger. I wish I was able to do the same things with Marek, the little man of the family. I miss the old me, but the new me gets better every day.

I had several jobs until I found the place I loved. I was still in that profession when I was forced to retire due to the brain tumor.

This position required me to train people and do a lot of one-on-one speaking with families and corporate officials. I have been brought out of my shell. Taking care of myself wasn’t easy, but I learned I could do it alone.

Not long after starting this position, I met Barry. Little did I know, I had just met the love of my life. Barry was the man I would spend the rest of my life with. He was sweet, handsome, funny and such s gentlemen.

Our one quirk, is his son, Frank, hates me. I have done everything I know to do for that child and he still hates every inch of ground I walk on.

Our health issues started with Barry, but his had been under control, with medications, for years. The hospital trips started with me and the brain tumor, then the thyroid cancer, then it switched to Barry’s heart valve, back to my gallbladder and knee scope; next came Barry’s stroke and my breast cancer. We’re gonna stop there for now. I don’t want to give any body parts ideas…we’re running out!

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Growing Up in the Shadows

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Before I write this, I want everyone to know every word is TRUE! The sad thing is, this is only one story of many I could tell.

My name is Jill. I am the middle child of three girls. My sisters and I are close. We had to be close growing up. Mom was a little hard to deal with when we were kids. It wasn’t until recently, that we have started to understand mom’s behavior as we grew-up.

Growing up, I worshiped my older sister. I followed her everywhere. I didn’t let her out of my sight for long. When I started my cycle, 2 weeks after Sandy, mom started telling everyone; “Jill never could let Sandy do anything by herself.” I was eight years old and Sandy was 11. At this point, Kristie was young enough not to care about anything her older sisters and what they were doing. She was too busy growing up. 

We grew up in a small town in the days when it was OK to leave kids at the movies, mall (actually I’m not sure we had a local mall yet), or skating rink without grown-up supervision. When mom and dad left us on our own, Sandy took on the role of protector. She watched Kristie and I like a hawk. She wasn’t going to be in charge if something happened.

An unbelievable incident occurred while we were at the local skating rink. The incident slowly evolved from some bigger kids picking on Kristie. She was wearing a tube top, one of the older girls grabbed by the shoulders and dug her finger nails in, to the point of bringing blood from the scratches, left across her shoulders.

Kristie immediately ran to Sandy and pointed the girls out to her. Sandy told the Security Guard, who had a talk with the girls. Which apparently did not a bit of good, because they ran to their mother’s. Their mother’s proceeded to corner Sandy and threaten her.

When mom arrived, Sandy told her the story. You could see mom’s switch flip from cool, calm and collected;  to do not mess with my kids. Sandy pointed everyone out to mom. The security guard realized mom had arrived and he proceeded to attempt to talk her out of saying anything.

Mom went to talk to the older girls. They ran to their mothers. When their mothers confronted our mother, the security guard called the police. I am not sure how to describe the other women involved, politely. They were like no other women I had seen in my lifetime. This was the first time I ever realized women could actually shave their eyebrows and paint them back on. Not a look I care for.

A crowd started to form around the car my mom leaned into to discuss the situation. She must have said something the women in the car didn’t like because they sell got out of the car, came around and surrounded mom.

The driver of the car, pushed mom backwards. Mom got up fighting. She jumped the driver. The next thing we knew mom and the driver were rolling around on the ground and the other women were landing punches as they could. The crowd was wild.

Before the fight was in full swing, the Security Guard called the police. We could here the sirens getting closer in the background. The police arrived, they attempted to stop the fight and desperate everyone. All I could see of the fight was fists and hair flying. At one point, I watched my mother grab the Security Guard and tell him to leave her alone if he didn’t want to loose what she was grabbing.

The police finally separated the fight and attempted to sort out what happened. I do not remember much after this, because our father had been contacted to pick us up. We were taken home and sent to bed. When we got up the next day, mom was home and the previous night was not mentioned.

I have a relationship with my sisters that others have trouble understanding. Maybe it has something to do with our childhood. We went through a lot together.

My husband was an only child. He had one child with his first wife. My oldest sister’s husband grew up with a brother and sister. My youngest sister’s husband is from overseas and grew-up with a sister. Other than Barry, everyone grew-up with a sibling.

Libor, Kristie’s husband, states that he has never seen siblings get along so well together or exhibit the closeness we do concerning one another. 

When Barry and I were married, it took him ages to get used to our relationship. He became a little upset with me once when he overheard a conversation between my oldest sister and myself. He felt I should have been asking him the kind of questions, he heard me asking Sandy.

I tried to explain that I’ve been depending on my sisters for advice on certain topics since I was a kid. He grew up an only child, not knowing what it is like to have a closeness with a sibling. As time goes by, he grows closer to understanding our relationship. 

You have friendship, brotherhood, and many other words to describe a kinship between people. If you do not know or understand what it means to be a sister, you do not know what you are missing.

Sisters are a different breed. We interact with one another on a different level than brothers and friends do. We know each others deep, dark secrets. We ask and answer each other questions you’d have trouble asking you husband or closest friend.

Sisters tell you when they think you are acting like an idiot and then they will also let you know when they think you are brilliant. You can always count on your sister. Through good and bad times, they will always be there for you.

You can count on your sisters to always be open and honest with you. When you get sick, your sister will be there to do whatever needs to be done. Part of being a sister, is being able to tell your sister when they are being complete turds and need to remember there are other people in this world than themselves.

Everyone has busy full lives today, you can’t shuck off your responsibilities to suit your needs. Once a sister, always a sister. Once a daughter, always a daughter. There are a few things in life that cannot be changed. 

With sisters, you can be fighting like cats and dogs one minute or not speaking for months; let something happen and your sisters will be there at the drop of a hat. Sisters are always there when you need them.

Being the middle child of three girls, I felt like I was in the shadow of my sisters daily. We went through the same school system, rode the same bus, had the same issues with our parents. Some how, I man managed to feel over-shadowed by my older and younger sisters. Teachers, the bus driver and other school-related employees used to ask if I talked as much as my older sister. When I said, “No, I was the quiet one.” Their answer was always “Good”.

Kristie over-shadowed me when she was a freshman in high school. I had spent most of my junior year, sick and out of school. Upon returning my senior year, my baby sister took it upon herself to be my protector. She wouldn’t let anyone mess with me. Mrs. Gieger, the bus driver, said Kristie talked too much also. She told me once I was a nice break between my two sisters.

Stairsteps1- Jill and her sisters

Stairsteps1- Jill and her sisters

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Lost

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For years, I have wanted to see my mother happy. I never thought I’d be around to see it. My mom’s health is declining and she is slipping slowly into the early stages of dementia and has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. She currently resides with Barry and myself. It was truly hard to begin with, but slowly the disease is changing her. She actually relaxes a little and I’ve seen her smile. She is enjoying organizng her new home and cat. She really enjoys her cat.

Mom is accepting that she can no longer drive and appears relieved. She is not as scattered as she has been. She has actually apologized for a few things from my past. It was hard growing up with mom, but now as an adult, I finally understand why. Getting mom to stop arguing and take ownership of her illnesses has been a huge step.

When is doing well with her medication regimen. She spends her days, cleaning, gardening, playing with her cat and our dog, she is a great help for me with the laundry. My toughest issue. She says the cat tells her hello every morning. I’ve yet to hear that one. She just wants to stay busy. She is getting so busy, she even dances with the commercials about “hip-hop abs” says she wants them at 72.

The dementia had mom doing some odd things and you never know what she will say. I’m gonna end it here. I’m pooped and hurting. Gonna get some medicine and get some rest.

 

Coping with a Rare Disease and What It Can Do to Those You Love

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If you have followed my blog at all, you are aware that my family and I have been through the wringer over the past several years.

Barry‘s stroke was a huge surprise. He is alive and kicking today, thanks to modern medicine and the quick responses of the local EMS, emergency room and Emory University Hospital in Atlanta, Ga.

Our journey started over four years ago when I was found to have a brain tumor pressing into my mid-brain that needed removing  quickly. If you don’t know much about the brain, your vital function are regulated in the mid-brain.

Long story short, the brain tumor was just a symptom of a genetic disorder called Cowden Syndrome. It truly isn’t a big deal to check. The trick is to stay vigilant and organized with check-ups and diagnostic testing. If you don’t something can sneak up on you and bite you in the honey.

Cowden Syndrome is a mutation of the PTEN gene. It makes you body unable to stop formation of certain types of tumors. The tumors that develop are  benign or cancerous. They can also appear quickly.

I have already been through three episodes of issues from Cowden Syndrome and survived each without major issue. I am about to tackle the fourth. We were lucky to catch this one early, like one other. Hopefully this will be a breeze like a few others.

I can now state that I am not only a Thyroid Cancer Survivor, I will soon be able ta add breast cancer Survivor to that list. I am not sure I like making a list of the cancers I have survived, but I’m glad I’m still here.

As long as I follow-up with my list of 20+ doctors monthly as they ask, I can keep these issues under control without adding another cancer to the list.

Since my condition is rare, I have joined a research study on Cowden out of the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio. Hopefully this research can help someone else breeze through this mess of a disease. Currently, 1 in 200,000 thousand people diagnosed yearly.

Barry has been my rock. Even after the stroke. He’s hanging in with me. We take care of each other. My mother has been with us almost a year. Her health is declining a bit. Barry and I take care of her issues, as they come up. Mom is having trouble dealing with giving up her independence and she isn’t taking it very well.

Our local friends called and came around for a while, but have slowly disappeared from the picture. It really hurt Barry’s feelings to start with, but he has since realized that people have trouble dealing with change and they don’t know how to handle our illnesses.

What has hurt the most for me, is the change in my older sister’s attitude toward me. I called to tell her I have breast cancer, she stated she was speechless and I have not heard a word from her since.

After I had brain surgery, her attitude changed because of my communication problems. We used to talk at least once a week. Now that I am healthier, her attitude has not changed. I love her dearly and will do anything in the world for her. She is my sister, that will never change.

When I attempt to discuss it with her, she denies everything. I miss what we had. Barry thinks her attitude change is because of him, I tell him continuously that Sandy isn’t like that. My younger sister and I are closer than ever.

My mom does her best to deal with my illness. She starts to cry every time she is around me and looks at me as if it is the last time she will ever see me. I talk with her and ask her to help me get through life. I told her I need her strength, not her tears. She’s getting better. My nieces and nephews all treat me the same.

Barry and I have found a church home. Mom goes with us. The church has welcomed us as if we had gone there for years. They offer many areas of ministry that gives us many choices to volunteer and get involved. We all enjoy Victory Baptist Church in Loganville, Ga.

At GMC

At GMC

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Daily Prompt: Wall to Wall

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What do you display on the walls of your home — photos, posters, artwork, nothing? How do you choose what to display? What mood are you trying to create?

We love antiques, flowers, pictures and signs. Each wall is different. We have tried to give each room its own personality, but coordinate wall color and house style; where our budget will allow. We want our home to feel lived in. Every room in the house is well used and comfortable.

Putting a name to what we tried to create, would be comical comfort. Our signs make you giggle, the atmosphere and furniture make it comfortable.

Our pooch,Maggie, agrees with the comfortable part. She sleeps wherever she sits down.wait…..she is a dog, they are good at that.

Of course there is my step-father James, he falls asleep the minute he sits down when getting to our house.

Check the pictures out tomorrow. Had plans to take new pictures today, but my body wouldn’t cooperate this afternoon. Run a few errands, I have to sleep. I’ll update post in the morning. Show off my miss-matched wall decor. We may not be for a Southern Living Magazine write-up, but we like it!

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Daily Prompt:

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If you could clone yourself, how would you split up your responsibilities?

Cloning is an interesting topic. The medical profession has come so far in the past 20 years, I wouldn’t be surprised if cloning were not around the corner.

I thought and thought about this prompt, but couldn’t come up with a thing to write. Now, as I go to sleep, it hits me. I hope you enjoy.

If it were possible to clone myself, who would I assign my daily responsibilities? Well, after getting my mother’s medication ready and calling my sisters; I’d pack bags for Barry and myself, get Maggie‘s dog food bag, medication and leash, and we would disappear.

I wouldn’t look back or think twice, but we would disappear to a deserted island and live our lives out. Of course, Barry would have his camera, I’d have my sketch pad and Maggie would have her flashlight. We would be set.

We have been through so much in the past few years, we need a break. It may be a good idea to clone our family to take our place, so no one comes looking for us.

Mom would water the plants. Oops, I would have to see my sweet daddy one last time.Just for spite, if my step-son were around, I’d give him a tooth-brush and assign him bathroom duty.

Running away would be better than having a clone!

 

For the week of April 21, 2013: The Healing Power of Forgiveness

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The Healing Power of Forgiveness

The morning of April 18, 2013, I received a call from my physician specializing in breast health. She called to let me know my biopsy results did show cancer. Some called Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.

She informed my husband we need to schedule an appointment to discuss options and she asked if we had thought of what to do if this matter came up.

Barry and I had not expected this matter to seem so quickly, so our answer was of course, No! Maybe we were a little naïve, but we were trying to work on the “positive thinking” option I guess we need to work on that a bit more.

I have always been vigilant with scheduling my physical and mammograms.In 2009, the brain tumor appeared and threw us for a loop.

After the brain tumor the weird symptoms appeared and I was diagnosed with; Cowden’s Syndrome, Lhermitte Duclos Disease, Thyroid Cancer, my gallbladder was removed, my tonsils were removed a second time, my mammograms started showing suspicious areas that needed to be rechecked and then biopsied.

During all of this hoopla, I felt the incredible urge to seek forgiveness from my God, my family and friends. When the possibility of death smacks you in the face, it makes you take a step back and look at our life. I felt silly apologizing to some of my friends, but the Lord and my is a different story.

My husband Barry was the toughest, but I could tell he was confused. But we talked it out. One of my desires, was to find and get involved in a good church. I wanted Barry and I to go together. I missed attending church.

We have since found as wonderful church and have become active members. Mom is going with us. It is a pleasure to see her enjoying herself and flourishing in the church community. She is about to be baptized.

I continue to ask God for forgiveness daily and to grant me the Grace, Strength and Mercy to help me settle the uneasiness that remains in the pit of my stomach today; I believe I know what I need to do to settle my stomach, but I am scared.

In the next month, I think I’d like to apologize to my ex-husband. He feels like my missing link. The problem I need to solve.

My family is extremely supportive and I love them each and everyone. They seem to have accepted my apology without fail. I hope this brings the closeness we once had back into our lives.

I didn’t leave my first marriage as I should have. I left my sister, Sandy and her family in town to deal with my mess. I was a mess at that time and truly did not know how to handle the situation. To put it plain and simple, I was young, stupid and scared. I got a new career and threw myself into work.

Seeking forgiveness from everyone involved, has started to ease my mind. I still need to follow through with talking to my ex-husband. We will see if it helps.

DAIlY PROMPT FROM

http://writingthroughcancer.com

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Daily Prompt: Decisions, Decisions

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How are you more likely to make an important decision — by reasoning through it, or by going with your gut?

The past few years, I have been in the situation of having to make some important decisions concerning my health. Some at the spur of the moment; others with time to research and gather facts to aid in making the best choice. 

I have been in the position of going with my gut to make my decisions and gathering facts to reason through everything to come to a decision. Unfortunately, my decisions have involved my health; which only makes the decisions tougher.

I recently was put into a post ion to make some health decisions for my mother. I’d like to say I reasoned through the choices, but I didn’t. Mom truly needed to be in the hospital and I did what I had to do. It was the toughest thing I have ever done in my life. Mom is better, but she is facing serious life changes. 

To date, my choices have turned out well. God willing, that will continue to be my trend. As the decisions continue to get tougher; hopefully, the good Lord will continue to guide me in the right direction. 

Unfortunately, as my health changes; my decisions will get tougher. I’m hoping I can keep my head screwed on right and make good decisions. I don’t want to put too much on Barry. He has his own health issues to worry about.

In conclusion, when faced with decisions, you make the choice by whichever way fits the moment.

Mom and Barry’s turn

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Mom had a checkup after her discharge to the hospital. Doctor said she was looking good and we’d just follow her for now. I’m to email Jody with any issues. I do love being able to email a doctor. Better response time, without the headaches of being on call.

Barry, on the other hand, has maintained an elevated creatinine level since his heart surgery. No one can explain it. Kidney function is great. Dr. R. Wanted to get a look at his kidneys, so she ordered a CTA of kidneys. We should have results soon.

I truly enjoyed the peace and quiet of the waiting room. I read a little and played a few games. I went in and joked with the staff. They wanted to see the kitten, so I pulled the pictures out.  We headed to the pharmacy and home. It was so nice for the focus not to be me for once.

Tomorrow is back to reality with an early morning mammogram and a visit with breast specialist after. At least I got a tiny break. For a few short hours, I wasn’t the patient. Felt good!!!!!!