Tag Archives: what next?

For the week of April 21, 2013: The Healing Power of Forgiveness

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The Healing Power of Forgiveness

The morning of April 18, 2013, I received a call from my physician specializing in breast health. She called to let me know my biopsy results did show cancer. Some called Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.

She informed my husband we need to schedule an appointment to discuss options and she asked if we had thought of what to do if this matter came up.

Barry and I had not expected this matter to seem so quickly, so our answer was of course, No! Maybe we were a little naïve, but we were trying to work on the “positive thinking” option I guess we need to work on that a bit more.

I have always been vigilant with scheduling my physical and mammograms.In 2009, the brain tumor appeared and threw us for a loop.

After the brain tumor the weird symptoms appeared and I was diagnosed with; Cowden’s Syndrome, Lhermitte Duclos Disease, Thyroid Cancer, my gallbladder was removed, my tonsils were removed a second time, my mammograms started showing suspicious areas that needed to be rechecked and then biopsied.

During all of this hoopla, I felt the incredible urge to seek forgiveness from my God, my family and friends. When the possibility of death smacks you in the face, it makes you take a step back and look at our life. I felt silly apologizing to some of my friends, but the Lord and my is a different story.

My husband Barry was the toughest, but I could tell he was confused. But we talked it out. One of my desires, was to find and get involved in a good church. I wanted Barry and I to go together. I missed attending church.

We have since found as wonderful church and have become active members. Mom is going with us. It is a pleasure to see her enjoying herself and flourishing in the church community. She is about to be baptized.

I continue to ask God for forgiveness daily and to grant me the Grace, Strength and Mercy to help me settle the uneasiness that remains in the pit of my stomach today; I believe I know what I need to do to settle my stomach, but I am scared.

In the next month, I think I’d like to apologize to my ex-husband. He feels like my missing link. The problem I need to solve.

My family is extremely supportive and I love them each and everyone. They seem to have accepted my apology without fail. I hope this brings the closeness we once had back into our lives.

I didn’t leave my first marriage as I should have. I left my sister, Sandy and her family in town to deal with my mess. I was a mess at that time and truly did not know how to handle the situation. To put it plain and simple, I was young, stupid and scared. I got a new career and threw myself into work.

Seeking forgiveness from everyone involved, has started to ease my mind. I still need to follow through with talking to my ex-husband. We will see if it helps.

DAIlY PROMPT FROM

http://writingthroughcancer.com

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Daily Prompt: Earworm

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What song is stuck in your head (or on permanent rotation in your CD  or MP3 player) these days? Why does it speak to you?

My favorite Christmas Song has been in my head all morning. I guess I can understand the reasoning going on inside my lopsided brain.

My life is in God’s hands. He has a plan for all of us and it is not ours to question. There is a reason He has me enduring these medical issues. I’ll never know why, I’ll just be myself and fight!

The lyrics to the song from the “Sound of Music” are cheery and have a peppy little tune. The song lyrics are about going from sad to glad and I really need to keep my attitude in the glad place for the next few days.

The urologist will be going over my MRI he ordered after his incidental findings during my kidney ultrasound. So you can see why a glad attitude could be a huge benefit over the next few days. 

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My Favorite Things by Maria
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudel
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad

[Repeat all verses]

 

Daily Prompt: Turn, Turn, Turn

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For many of us, winter is blooming into spring, or fall hardening into winter. Which season do you most look forward to?

My favorite time of year, is when the air outside is cool and crisp. It is warm enough during the day, to enjoy the outdoors; but the nights are crisp enough to keep you snuggled under the covers, with that someone special making the moment worthwhile.

I love watching the flowers and the yard slowly wake to the spring sunshine. The leaves and buds slowly emerging from God’s green earth; as the birds start to buzz around like a swarm of bees. Each with a different song to sing.

I love getting the yard ready for whatever the season brings. Filling the bird feeders, putting out fresh mulch to protect the new flowers as they burst into our world with abundance of color.

Picking up the million little sticks and other things the wind has dropped into our yard. Bringing the porch furniture out, cleaning and touching up then paint as needed. Cleaning the wind chimes and hanging them in their proper places. Along with the bird singing, I love the mix the wind chimes joining in. It makes being outdoors so enjoyable.

Washing the porches down and organizing the potted plants and other decor to make our porches pretty enough for pictures and ready for serious relaxing. Then we have the grill porch. Need to get the grill cleaned and ready for the season. We love to entertain.

While I do all the above, Barry is handling lawn mower repair and weed eating. I’ll hire my sweet nephews to weed one of my flower beds.

We’ll need to get the fountain going. I’d like to find a small bench and plant another butterfly bush in that bed. The shrubs need a little pruning and I am hoping we can put a cement walk on the front this year. Barry will need to add hand rails to the steps if we get the walkway done.

If you cannot tell by my page of rambling, Spring is at the top of my list for seasons. Other than the allergy end of things, I adore the Springtime weather.

Dear Lord, I appreciate your gift of Spring. You did a great job! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Please Forgive My Absence

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Please forgive my absence for the past few days. Imagine the nerve of life getting in the way. I’ll admit I let the “poor pitiful me’s” get in the way. When my favorite urologist found my new problem, my mood kinda hit the toilet with a big splash. I’ve had 2 days of sulking and I’m tired of being the only “stick in the mud” at the party.

Time for a reality check. Yes, I am sick. Yes, I hurt all day everyday. Yes, I have to see a lot of doctors. But………I love the Lord, I adore my husband, I have a loving, happy, sometimes screwed family, I have 2 great pets (a dog that thinks she is human and a fish that will come to the top of the bowl when called), I have a great life.

Why I let myself get all down and depressed, I’ll never understand. One doctor I see told me to quit worrying about getting upset. He said it’s not like I don’t have a million things to worry about.

Maybe all this studying and work I’ve done, on turning my issues over to the Lord, is working. It was much easier to turn this over to God, than in the past. I really think that listening and learning in church is the way to go. Growing up, I was more concerned with who was at church, than what I was learning. I’m learning a lot at Victory Baptist Church, they are such a truly incredible group of people.

Tomorrow is the MRI of my abdomen and pelvis. I’m praying that whatever Dr. M saw on my liver is no longer there. Please think of me tomorrow, Barry and I can use all the prayers we can get.

 

Daily Prompt: Competition

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What activity, task, or game most brings out your competitive streak? 

Board Games drive me insane. It doesn’t matter which one of them it is,I get angry thinking about them.  Just the thought of pulling a board game out gives my  competitive hormone the kick in the hiney it cannot stand.. Maybe it is the fact that I stink at every board game I have ever tried to play. Or it could be the no good braggers that I play with. Who knows? I’ll just continue to avoid them like the plague.

The only violence I have ever exhibited when playing, was with my ex-husband. He loved to play chess. I know how, but I stink. In one of his rare forms, when he was wiping the board with me, he went too far. I picked the board up and threw it at him. Needless to say, we never played again.

I’ve played Gin Rummy and Scrabble, with Barry, no problems. I do not think we’ll ever play chess. 

I Wanna Run Away!

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Please, someone tell me when it is okay to run away. I’m not sure how much more I can take before I crack. 

I live the “Life of Riley“. Honestly, I not sure what that means. Was it a TV show? Radio show? Cartoon? I’m going to look it up. The situations I’ve heard it used in usually involved someone having it made; not in need of anything; someone spoiled rotten. All of the above, at times, can describe my life.

I live in a beautiful home with the perfect husband and family pets. We have one boxer and one fish. One step-son that keeps his distance.

My husband and I are raising my mother. It can be a challenge at times. But we make it.

We are far from well off or rich, but we are comfy. A lot of people today can’t say that. It really hurts Barry and I to see others struggle. We help when we can, but keeping up with medical bills will eat you alive. 

Since 2009, Barry and I have run from doctor to doctor trying to figure my illness out. It is starting to feel like a waste of time. Every time I see a physician, something else is wrong.

Is this a never-ending battle? Is all the running around doing a bit of good? I guess I’m a little tired of being sick. I feel like my life is falling apart and I’m not sure what to do.

That doctor, last week, really threw me for a loop. Just uttering those 2 little words has my head in the toilet.

It was like the day the doctor told me about the brain tumor. “Oh by the way, you have a brain tumor.” That is how he told me. He added a few other things to it, but that was enough to shatter my world. My head was in a spin then, and it is spinning like a top now.

I’m not going to do anything stupid. God has kept me around for s reason. I have too much life left to live to do anything stupid, I’m just trying to write this down to see if it will shake me out of this funk.

I should be sleeping . Big birthday party tomorrow. Going to be a long day, I need my rest. Barry is snoring in the chair next to me as I type. Maggie is snoring on the couch. Maybe I should follow suit and go to sleep. Maybe I’ll feel better in the morning. 

Hope everyone has a good weekend. I’m trying to turn mine around. Be sweet!

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Maggie and the Alarm Clock

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This morning, Barry and I were awakened by our beloved boxer, Maggie May.

At night, Barry and I are guilty of falling asleep in our favorite chairs at night. We have done it so often that are now set a travel alarm clock, to keep Barry from being late to work.

This morning, Barry and I were all snuggled-up in bed, when that clock went off in the living room. When it didn’t stop ringing, Maggie brought the clock to Barry and dropped it on his head. We have tried to get her to fetch, I guess she has decided she’ll fetch what she wants. 

She clearly wasn’t ready to get up! 

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A ” New Barry” Moment

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When I write post like these, you all need to realize that Barry is aware of what I am posting and is fine with it. 

Mr. Baynes let something slip tonight while at the store. I do not think he intended to tell me. Over the weekend, he went to Lowe’s by himself. This I was aware of.

He left out his side trip to the beauty shop across from Lowe’s. He actually walked in the salon and asked if they had any beads he could clip in his hair. From what he says, he stopped all work going on in the shop and the place was roaring in laughter, with a side of shock.

Any of you that have looked at our pictures are aware that my sweet, sexy husband is as bald as they come. Is it safe to let him out of the house alone? His stroke took every inhibition Barry had. I never know what to expect next.

Barry ready to celebrate

Barry ready to celebrate

My New Least Favorite Words on Earth: Incidental Findings

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Dr. M, my now urologist, seems like a very good doctor with a great personality/bedside manner. My appointment today went great. The kidney ultrasound is good, with one little issue to follow. Otherwise Dr. M. says my kidney’s are beautiful. Awwww, how sweet. They better be! About the only organ I have left that functions correctly.

What gets me about Cowdens Syndrome is the unknown. Today, I’m told I actually have an organ that is functioning properly, but we need to watch this “one” little spot. We want to make sure it isn’t something forming that shouldn’t be where it is. So, my roller coaster of doctors continues.

On top of the little spot that needs watching on the right kidney. It appears there is an incidental finding on my liver. He would  like to schedule an MRI, to get a better look. So, more tests, more waiting and more unknowns.

I feel like I am fussing about what is going on in my body. I truly believe that Jesus died to save us from our sins. I believe that the Good Lord has a plan for us and we shouldn’t question that plan. My life is in his hands and I am not exactly how to hand my troubles over to the Lord and not worry.

After my appointment today, I wasn’t what I would call questioning things, but I was so frustrated with the news that it brought me to tears. When I got to a private place, I asked the Lord for the grace and strength I need to make it through all of this news. My fears eased.

It is just so incredibly hard to deal with all of this. Today, I felt like the robot from “Lost in Space“.Turning in circles, arms flopping, thinking, “fix me Will Robinson, fix me!” If it were only that easy.

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